A couple of days ago, Martijn and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary. I can't say a lot has changed since then but definitely a lot of individual growth has happened. This year we celebrated in our respective time zones through video calls, snail card and online shopping (courtesy of my man). I am currently in the Philippines for my treatments and my husband is in Holland for work. A year in marriage seems like a life time ago but it is the best decision that I've made. Marriage is not all sunshine and smiles - it is a union of two different individuals who are in love and wants to spend the rest of their lives being in love or annoying each other but whichever it is, it boils down to love and two persons.
In the last couple of weeks, I have been bugging myself on what entry I should post for August. I could do my chemotherapy treatment, some recipes I've managed to learn and being married. I obviously, chose the latter. With this, we came up with 8 learnings in our one year of married life. I'm not saying this is how everyone must feel within a year of marriage but I am writing this based on our personal experience.
1. Two Becomes One, once you're married it is mandatory that you become one person, a team because why get married in the first place if you don't see your self in unity and in flow with your partner. This is the part, where you share everything from bed pillows, bath towels and sometimes toothbrush (don't give me the gross out face - you'll experience this one way or the other). The point is, you're not anymore alone. You gain your other half which makes you completely whole.
2. Married My Bestfriend, before marriage - I had my best gal friends. I never had a male friend because I had limited circles (studied in an all girl school) and I was a little picky with people. When I met my husband, I gained a friend and eventually a bestfriend. The beauty of marrying your bestfriend is that you have a friend for life who will never judge nor leave your battle ground. Marrying your bestfriend means being able to talk about anything that makes you tick and makes you mellow. Also, it makes you appreciate the beauty of openness about being able to say anything under the sun without filter - in my case being on video call for hours even without the eyebrows. Also, your husband bestfriend is the ultimate romcom movie date even when it's a musical movie.
3. We Fight, We Make Up, just like in every relationship - there will come a time when you have to argue on things not because you're both war freaks but because you're two individuals with different traits. Little things such as who cleans the bathroom, city navigation or in my case, I am hangry when I am hungry so this is our point of argument. When you're married, you have to keep in mind, that once you have fight, you can't just go to bed without talking or making up because one such argument files up - it'll basically eat both of you. You have to remember to be more calm and forgiving. Regardless of who's fault it is, either of you can always say the first word "sorry". I'm still learning to say it more often but eventually we will get there.
4. His - Mine - Ours, being an only child - I have to admit that I am selfish in so many ways I could count but being married made me a little selfless. You see, once you're married you don't just think of your self, you have to think of your husband. Of what makes him happy, what makes you happy and what makes both of you happy, you have to take part in making your relationship as one part of the other. When I got married, Martijn shared his house to me and I, on my part shared my ability to make it a home for us. His, mine, ours does not only mean finances but it means sharing your self as you are to making it all fall into place - just like a puzzle. And as we grow old, I know that there will be more instances where we both have to make an effort to do our respective responsibility to make our marriage as lively, loving and homey as we can.
5. Think Of The Future, this is from my husband's point of view which happens to be my point of view as well. However, I am a realists with emphasis on "the moment" while Martijn is on "the future". Quite the opposite but both are win win in so many ways. In marriage it is both important to be at the present and think of the future - to savour each moment together, each day to day plans and goals that you want to achieved as a team. Sometimes, you don't always meet halfway but when you start hearing and respecting each other's opinion then you can start creating the moment together to have a better future as a couple. Talking and making little plans is something that I've learned to do with my husband. I don't always agree with him but I know also that he will always decide on the right things for us.
6. Be Calm, because you can't expect you and your life partner to have the exact same personality. You are both different people with different expectations in life, so when uncertainty, pity fights and problems arise, it is important to stay calm and process everything in your head before you blurt out words or do actions that will lead to a bigger problem. I have a bad temper and sometimes I just lose it and I know my husband does the same but tries his best to remain as nice as possible. Be calm and when you're a little more relax, you and your partner can talk it out. In our current situation, Martijn is the calmness when it comes to life threatening problems. He's the most positive person on earth - way more positve than I am.
7. Always A Yes, another learning that my man learned in our year of marriage. I've heard of men saying "always say yes to your wife" and I think my husband picked that one out from the book of husbands. He doesn't always say yes although, most of the time when I want something - he gives me a thoughtful look and eventually says yes. This makes married life easier because this prevents pity fights in days where the wife wants something out of the blue. I, remember him saying "I won't spoil you like your mother does" but I beg to disagree because somehow he does.
8. Compromise, one of the most important learnings that my husband and I learned in our year of marriage. Here, we both agree to settle some of our differences when it comes to making decisions and plans. Since we are both on LDR, we have to compromise when one is tired and has to rest. Compromising when one wants this and the other doesn't. It is important to meet halfway - always. To settle different expectations by respecting and giving way to your partner's choices and decisions especially when it comes to your relationship, home and finances. Compromise doesn't mean you always have to agree with each other, compromise in our understanding is being able to discuss things and come out with a better option which is win win for both of you.
So, that's our eight learnings in our one year of marriage. We still have a long way to go but we will get there day by day. The point of me writing this down is to remind myself of how much Martijn and I have grown. Each day, there are new things to learn. It's difficult when you're on different time zones but we compromise and we make it work because we respect and love each other in spite our differences and continuous individual growth.
Marriage is a beautiful thing. Being married to someone who looks forward to growing old with you is an every day blessing. Each relationship is different from the other. I can't compare what I share with my husband to what others have. I, believe what I have with Martijn is unique the way that every partnership is. Hope this post made you think and smile.
Here's a photo from our wedding day which sums up how we look at each other when we're deciding on something.
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